Secrets You Haven’t Heard – Company AT
Draft Monologues
Alexanders Monologue
Through out my life, I’ve had been a creative person, with a sense of wander, & a need for harmony & exploration on what life has to offer.
even with anxiety, depression, ocd, being present, it never really made me jaded or self loathing, nor did it diminish my faith in humanity. because To become those things is to become the very thing I hate.
I tend to enjoy things for what they are, & there’s a lot of great stuff to enjoy. So when conflict arrives to hinder it, I am motivated to fight such threats that bring so much hurt. Pow bam wham! All my foes are gone!
Now that I have your attention. I think we can move on to the now.
As I understood myself & the world around me I had a strong sense of right & wrong, problems & solutions, broken & fixing. You could say I developed a hero complex for that reason. You can also say it refined a version of me that was already there.
With that in mind, what is it that I love & value the most? Logic? The natural order? The greater good? Friends&Family? All of the above.
My goal is to be part of the dream, to become famous & entertain & bring forth my creativity to the world.
Amethyst Monologue
Did you ever write diaries as a kid? I never did it right. I know there’s technically no wrong way to write in a diary but I feel like if it’s all lies and is essentially you LARPing as a normal kid, you probably need to try again. I would lie to my diary about having crushes on boys, I even drew his initials in hearts along the margins of my past diary entries to make it look more convincing, I don’t know who I was trying to prove it to…maybe myself? Gaslight my future self into thinking I was a normal kid? I often dreamed about having something of mine preserved through history like in a time capsule, maybe that was it, convincing whatever future generations got their hands on the diaries of a 9 year old that she was 100% straight, had the best time and was insanely cool and pretty.
I think Barbie movies had something to do with it, I remember loving the Barbie: Secret Diary movie and in it she had a bracelet that opened her diary and it was filled to the brim with all of her little secrets, I didn’t have any secrets so I made them up, picked a poor unsuspecting boy at my school to be my ‘crush’ in my fan fiction of my life and went to town.
I kinda did the opposite when I reached high school. In my English class we did a topic on poetry and we ended up writing about 20 poems all exploring different styles and techniques of poetry. I remember having to write one featuring onomatopoeias and I chose ‘Tick’. I made it a Telltale heart style lament where the passage of time tears apart love and hope and family and the only warning is the clock tick every few lines. Charming. On its own it would have been fine but every single poem followed the same pattern. The poem about Love was about how it ends and it implied the couple have a Romeo and Juliet style ending. The poem where the words made a shape was a story of the reaper luring the writer into the afterlife in the shape of a skull. Every poem followed the same pattern. It would fit whatever the poem required but would do it in the most melancholy manner and would end in tragedy.
The teacher ended up sending a note home to my parents saying she was concerned about me. I was depressed at the time but not to the point that all my poetry had to be knock-off my chemical romance lyrics, it was, yet again, a performance. In the movies I’d seen depressed people were caricatures who wear all black and write dramatic poetry so I performed, fit myself into the mould.
I think it came from the fact that I didn’t understand the kids around me. I didn’t know how to act like them or fit in so I just copied the behaviours I could understand, which was movies and tv shows, romanticising my life into either a perfectly tragic gothic story or a perfectly cheesy romance.
Even now, I perform. I try not to, try to be authentic at all times but it’s not a choice. I just find myself slipping into a character. When I’m in a group of boys I often slip into lots of sarcastic over-the-top and borderline offensive humour, hamming up the “tough girl” wit, as if though I need to prove my worth. When I’m with someone who holds power I turn into a soft speaking bird. Talking quietly and quickly. When I’m around my bestie I’m a lot louder and more confident, blabbing on and on.
I like to think that who I am with my closest friend is my authentic self but I simply don’t know. The one thing I truly resent about whatever celestial being and/or natural phenomena created humanity is that humans were given complex unreadable and wild bodies and don’t get an instruction manual for their own set. Though, to be honest, knowing the universe, if we got an instruction manual it would be one of those bullshit IKEA ones where you see a guy look at a spanner and then suddenly there’s a Rådmansö. We just have to blindly flail through life like we’re playing a game of Marco Polo in a minefield.
I’ve shaved my head, explored different gender expressions, tried binders and corsets and makeup and hair colours. Had every persona online a girl could have and after all of that I learnt very little about what is actually looking back at me in the mirror. Sometimes I feel like every time I get close to figuring out the answer to who I am the answer changes and I am back at square one, navigating the minefield maze in the complete opposite direction.
I believed my diagnosis would be the removal of the blindfold, the instruction manual that had gotten lost in the mail. I was wrong. Now I had the same initial crisis but also the added one of “how much of me is my autism”. Is my autism me or just a thing that hinders me. Would I still be me without it. If the core of who I am is defined by a disability, does that mean I am, at my core, disabled?
I went from the ‘gifted child’ to ‘disabled’ overnight and every time I learnt something else I did was caused by my autism it felt like I finally had someone to blame. The cause of my struggles, the puppet master who had tainted me. But if I am my autism in my core, is my life such a mess because of me?
No. I know that’s wrong and that autistic people aren’t doomed to have a hard life, that autism isn’t an evil entity but I can’t logic these thoughts out of my head. No matter what, every time I get a sensory overload or a shutdown or I crash and burn socially and come off as an asshole this evil little worm of a thought will crawl back into my head and eat at my brain from the inside.
Andy Monologue
As an autistic person I’ve gotten emotionally attached to certain people I’ve gotten to know over time and when they’ve left for whatever reason it’s saddened me.
Let me give you all a couple of examples.
When I was in year 11 at Hamilton Secondary College in 2005 I had an SSO named Mrs Dangerfield who I’d really gotten to like.
On the last Wednesday of the year she gave me a Christmas card & I found out she was leaving Hamilton to take up a position at Ocean View College at Taperoo, her home suburb.
The next morning was when it sunk in. I literally cried all day at school, I was that upset that she was gone.
The year after that when I was doing work experience at the Vinnie’s Shop at Edwardstown, there was a volunteer called Mariandl who I also liked very much. I even got to know her daughter & granddaughter who used to pop in from time to time.
One day I was there & I found out that Mariandl & her husband would be going on a holiday to Canada for 11 weeks. Once again I broke down. She comforted me & offered to bring me something back.
When she did return I was over the moon & she ended up bringing me back some Canadian chocolates.
Rihanna so finely put it when she said in the intro to her hit song We Found Love “You almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important that without them you feel like nothing”.
Suits me to a T
Kyle Monologue – Autism To Me
Super Objective: To be in control of my own life
Objective: To get someone to help me
Action: To get the Doctor to understand that I don’t want this
Obstacle: The Doctor
Kyle: to audience Am I a bad kid? Beg/Float
One day the doctor said Inform/Glide
Doctor: “damn dude you have schizophrenia.” Tell
Kyle: “uh yes. Is there an instant fix?” Implore/Glide
Doctor: “yes we’ll have you on risperidone and then you’re good to go.” Reassure
Kyle to audience: 10 years later- “the doctor didn’t fix it. It’s still really bad. Convince/Press
Kyle: “Hey Doc, What do I do?” Beseech/Punch
Doctor: “go into a closet and find an item that is worth 10 grand. Uh yes. That’s how we’re going to pay for it. That’s how we’re fixing your schizophrenia. You know you’re treatment resistant, right?”
Kyle: “I don’t believe you, I have Autism not schizophrenia!” Compel/Slash
Doctor: “Hey bro, you have both.” Inform
Kyle: “well I don’t want autism, I want ADHD. I just reckon its so much easier.
Look at that crisp paper. Is that another prescription? Defy/Punch
I’m not a bad kid doc. Ask/Float
I have autism not ADHD, even though I once told you I did while I was in psychosis. Are you ever gonna take that off my record?! Defy/Punch
Maybe I am a bad kid doc. Question/Press
But you put me on risperidone. What did you expect? This medicine makes me feel like shit and I keep making bad choices. Uh yes, closet fears. Tantees. Fake news. It’s all fake news.” Accuse/Slash
Doctor: What rhymes with Jim jee: Coo ie. How was I supposed to know you’d get worse? I’m all bought out. You ought to stay at the hospital in the ICU and maybe we can give you some ECT. Control
Kyle: “Absolutely not! There I was ready to go home just playing my card tricks, but now you want to keep me here longer! Don’t you understand I am ready to go?!” Force/Punch
Doctor: “If that is what it takes” Order
Kyle: “I’d know if that was what it takes. I have autism for Christ’s sake. Not ADHD! Combat/Punch
Doctor: I understand. Go home and you will know what it feels like. Direct
Kyle: I think I will…now go let my parents in. Direct/Glide
(Parents walk in) I’m falling off a cliff to my death. Warn/Glide
I go through several stages. I’m leaving.Instruct/Glide
First I go through tons of clouds and then I activate my parachute. Tell/Float
Doctor: Any last words? Ask
Kyle: How about it? I have autism. I sail across the cliff into the ravine below me. I fall into the ravine; which caves in and slows my consciousness down by half a minute. Capture/Glide
Doctor: (slowly talking to parents): Is he conscious yet? Ask
Kyle: I have an IV in my left arm. Inform/Float
Doctor: slowly
We’re just going to give you something to help put you to sleep. It’s just a bit of anesthesia. Instruct
Doctor: let’s Count down from 10
Kyle: 10, 9,
I’m already high as fuck. Amuse/Float
8, 7
Am I a bad kid? Reach/Float
6, 5
Let’s play a game Engage/Glide
4, 3
It’s called “Who is your favourite actor?” If you guess the right actor, you can advance to the next round. If not, you are lost to discord.” Lead/Float
2, 1
Jacob Monologue
My experience with autism is one of hindsight.
That feeling when you look back on the things you used to say and believe and just cringe at how wrong you were, while feeling glad that now you’re so much smarter and better.
Then a few years later you’re looking back on thinking that and cringing at how stupid you were.
Every single time I thought I had grasped who I was, really understood my relationship with autism, I would go on to discard that understanding. That’s normal, it happens to everyone, it’s called growing up. But for someone on the autism spectrum, or anyone with any developmental condition, there’s always another thought:
How much of me is made up of this thing that makes me different.
When I was a kid, long before I got my diagnosis, I remember becoming different from the other kids at school. I was probably always different, always someone who was tolerated in the group more than liked, but as a kid who didn’t understand that sort of social nuance, my memory of becoming different was realizing that no-one wanted to play the games I was interested in any more.
Around year four, suddenly all the boys were playing footie on the oval. Every day, without fail, they’d be out there. Suddenly there was no playing on the slide, no chasey, no hide and seek. And I didn’t get that, I didn’t like footie, so I didn’t play and I just waited for different games to be played. Surely they’d get bored of football and go back to chasey, I thought.
I was wrong! Just wrong about that. I realize now that the reason why they were playing football was because they’d gotten bored of chasey.
I’ve been autistic my whole life, but back then I didn’t know it. Back then the divide between myself and the other kids was demarcated by the simple gap of what games we liked to play. I didn’t think of all the ways I might have been off putting, and in hindsight there were a lot. I lacked the self reflection and social awareness to change my behaviours to fit the groups I was trying to ingratiate myself to. If you’re autistic you know how common that is for us.
Later on the first thing I did when my mom brought up that I might have autism was to shove her. I don’t know why, I didn’t know what autism was, all I was doing was reading her tone and hearing her tell me I was different. I didn’t even know why I did that directly after the fact.
Actually the diagnosis was good for me. I went into the clinic at Flinder’s University, had a few meetings, did an IQ test and after it all I was told that I wasn’t just different. I was special.
I had autism. That meant that I thought differently from some people. I was worse at some things than other people…But better at others. Oh, I thought! Oh, now everything makes sense! All this time I wasn’t different from others because I was lagging behind, no I was too far ahead of them! No wonder that it was adults who I spent most of my time with. I was just more mature than kids my own age.
So, of course, the first thing I did was start explaining that to all the other kids. Don’t worry, the reason you find me odd and don’t want to hang out with me is because I’m special. I have an IQ of 132. I’m better than you.
…For some reason, this didn’t work. It actually only isolated me more.
Moving forward into high school, I had basically given up on social interactions. They didn’t work, people didn’t like me. I wanted to just sit in the library and read every day, sound in the knowledge that I was smarter than everyone else around me.
One day I would be sitting there when I’d have my first and only ‘Aha!’ moment. That moment when things click together and you realize something that had been eluding you for a long time, which connects neurons together and suddenly makes a sweeping change in the way you see everything.
I realized…That I was miserable. From years ago when the chasey stopped to right now, I’d been so sad and so lonely and I hadn’t even realized it. At that point I didn’t fully understand the path to happiness, but I understood that thinking of myself as above other people wasn’t doing me any favours.
In fact, this whole autism thing also wasn’t helping me. I demonstrably wasn’t smarter than anyone else, my grades told me that. I’d just sat for years being passively depressed because of my inability to connect with others.
I understood, back then, that having autism was a bad thing.
Moving forwards again. I’m out of school, barely passing with help from my mom, and I’ve just joined Company @. An autistic theatre group, where every member is on the spectrum. And I remember a moment very clearly back then when I first joined.
We were talking about Autism Speaks and all these other groups that wanted to cure autism. How damaging they were to autistic people, how this is both a thing that cannot be cured and shouldn’t be cured.
And I remember turning to the theatre director and, in my smug little way, saying that I was pro-cure. That autism hadn’t ever done anything good for me, and if I could take a pill to make it go away I’d pop it down in a heartbeat.
Clear as anything, I remember him looking at me, nodding, and telling me “Oh, well, you might change your mind about that later.”
Hah, I thought. Of course he’d say that. He’s the director of an autistic theatre company, he has a vested interest in making autism out to be a special thing, something which can be positive, and selling tickets to people who need that confirmed for themselves.
I was thinking I was smarter than him at that moment, and I didn’t realize it.
Years later, now I’m looking back at all of this and I’m not cringing like I used to whenever I thought of myself in the past. It feels like someone taking steps towards knowing what I know now.
Being autistic can suck. For most of us it doesn’t come with superpowers, it makes us awkward in ways that we can’t identify, and it means that we require more understanding from those around us.
But all of that doesn’t make being autistic bad. Everyone, no matter if they’re neurotypical or not, has traits about them that they don’t like. When my director says that we should celebrate being autistic he doesn’t mean that we should feel like autism in itself is something to celebrate.
He means that we are autistic, and we should celebrate ourselves. Being proud of yourself and loving yourself means also loving all of those past versions of you that live in your memory. It means accepting all of the mistakes and all of the foibles and not celebrating yourself in spite of those things, but celebrating that they’re a part of you and you’re still here.
Embracing being autistic is like embracing any other fact about yourself that you might find annoying or difficult, and the facts that you like about yourself as well.
At the end of the day, every part of you is still you. So you should accept yourself for who you are, and strive to be the best version of you that you can be.
Michael Monologue
Super Objective: Just to have everyone leave me alone so I can have some peace and quiet with no surprises.
Objective: To not have to explain myself all the time
Action: To make them understand what I need
Obstacle: My new boss
You see, I get very annoyed when people just changed their mind on the very Last minute.
Tell
As an autistic person, I can’t deal with these changes without any warning.
Inform
I like to stick to a routine like getting up at certain time, going to work at 8.30am and have my morning tea at a set time at 10.30am.
Educate
I have been doing this for years.
Enrapture
You see, quite a few years ago, I was at work at Bedford.
Captivate
My usual routine is to have my morning tea at 10.30a.m.
Indoctrinate
On this particular day, all of a sudden, I was told the morning tea time had to be cancelled. Scandalise
My reaction was, What the hell!
Recruit
No One WARNED ME about this and I was looking forward to have my morning tea break which is very important to me.
Convince
I get very hungry after doing such hard work.
Inform
But WHY? They didn’t even tell me why?
Expose
I actually caused a bit of an uproar.
Tell
But now, come to think of it, it was a bit too much because I have changed and I have accepted changes more easily
Edify
You see, Bedford COULD NOT WARN me because it was TOP SECRET.
Enlighten
As I heard over the loud speaker as I was leaving because I got sent home, the Prime Minister JOHN HOWARD will be visiting during my Morning tea time.
Anger
So, they have to cancel MY morning tea.
Enrage
Another time, when I was at Tutti, during my Film and New Media session, a person interrupted our program.
Hold
This person came out of a big white car with some people running around him.
Fascinate
He came and shook my hand and wanted to take a photo with me.
Grip
I wasn’t sure what was going on at that time, but I said OK.
Intrigue
They mentioned I could see the photo on a gov’s website.
Bemuse
I told my family what happened,
Tell
then, in the evening news on TV, I was told the Governor General of Australia flew from Canberra and had visited Tutti of South Australia that day.
Astonish
At that time, I still didn’t understand what is the Governor General of Australia. You see for an Autistic person, these titles don’t mean anything to me.
Educate
But, if he is “Weird Al” Yankovic that would mean something to me, which I did meet “Weird Al” when he last performed in Adelaide. I even gave him a portrait of him drawn by Me.
Inform
Previous Circumstances
Eddie has always had trouble getting people to understand him and he has also had trouble understanding other people.
He sees the world one way and everyone else seems to see it another way.
Eddie has been working for a long time and has just got a new boss.
The boss is going around and asking all the people who work for him what they need from him to work affectively and to feel comfortable.
The boss has just called Eddie into his office and asked Eddie what he needs.
Super Objective: To Make myself better than everyone in my past
Objective: To demean everyone in front of me except my wife
Action: To get very one to know that I despise them
Obstacle: Everyone
There comes a time when the youngest in the family finally gets to say something, after all I did pay for damned memorial,
Belittle
and so I would like to take some time to talk about my late uncle Warren, a man after my own heart who was charming, delightful, witty, financially astute and responsible human being…
Patronise
yet none of you had the guts to go to his funeral,
Accuse
Instead here you are today,
Demean
celebrating the life of that pea brained twit stepbrother of mine Darren, who really didn’t accomplish anything
Debase
well, he caused complete and utter misery and destruction of everything and everyone. In short, he would be considered in the circles that I’m involved to be an absolute dick.
Suppress
In addition, he is the sort of person that annoys everyone due to his lack of empathy and just not giving a shit.
School
Is shock that he dropped out of accent and with what he said, takes a moment to get back into character
I remember the first time I met Darren before my mother married my step father, that’s the couple over there pretending to cry (drops out of accent again, takes a moment,) I remember saying to my mother either that boy has a seriously horrible brain condition or he’s a complete Dumbshit! (Drops out again, takes last moment)
And I must say, he always made it hard for not just me no matter the situation, However, who would’ve thought (Drops out of accent for the last time doesn’t go back) I would be the successful kid in the family, I have me own online business and Darren was just a useless prick!
Thank god I was able to find my beautiful wife who’s love has been able to drag me up out of the trauma I experience in this family, has always stood by my side to support me, including reminding me today that whenever I get in front of you people I turn into some weird British Aristocrat as a defence mechanism! Thanks Love.
And last but not least, all the woman he fucked. Scanks, enough said. He could never stop pushing the boundaries of everyone around him. Everyone said one day he’d do it to the wrong person.
One total shit kicking later, and he we are.
My thanks to the Rebels Motorcycle Club for that one.
And so I’ll end this rant by saying, if you’re not in hell I hope you get reincarnated as fish shit you selfish, thieving, using, abusive, malignant cunt!
I’ll think of you every time I see a dog’s arse.
Now that’s over, me and the wife are going to the local pub for lunch, anyone not related to me, can fuck off!
I couldn’t trust any of you to put on a pair of undies the right way.
Previous Circumstances
Rodger never felt like he had the understanding of his family, always felt overlooked and dismissed. When he met his Stepbrother, he could tell from the first moment that he was going to bully him. The energy he got from him was terrifying at the same time being thrust into accepting his mother getting married to man he hardly knew. This feeling of being trapped did not get any better during the rest of his childhood. He was tormented by his stepbrother and even though the behaviour of his stepbrother didn’t go unnoticed, Rodger’s needs were always not thought about.
Alexis Monologue
Super Objective: To be in control of my own destiny
Objective: To make my parents understand that there has to be a change
Action: To make myself go and meet my friend
Obstacle: Myself
I never felt like I’ve had any real choice in what I want to be.
Enrage
I remember being different, not knowing why or what to call it.
Support
The other kids had names for it, but I’d like one that was said with care.
Convince
Criticism for things I didn’t understand from people much older and scarier than me.
Edify
I remember joking at the dinner table about being autistic only for my family to burst out the hardest I’d seen them laugh in a while,
Isolate
Only to have my Mum have a serious discussion with me about how different I am and how “fine” that is.
Dismiss
As it turns out she knew I was autistic since I was 4 or so, but they “didn’t want that label on me.”
Embolden
I was going to get called all those names whether I knew of what I was or not. The least you could have done was actually tell me the truth instead of half heartedly saying I was “special” and “different” and saying that’s the same thing.
Justify
So anyway, diagnosed! I get some money I can use on counselling and taxis now, so that’s neat.
Placate
I also figured out I was a trans woman around that time, so it was complications on complications.
Frustrate
Things got messy.
Strengthen
With coming out, and conferring with friends, I can see how controlled my life has been.
Radicalise
How much my family thinks I can’t make my own choices, and how possessive they are of my livelihood.
Anger
I am going to change that.
Resolve
As you’re hearing this I am currently stuck halfway out of my bedroom window, at…
3:03am.
Push
I’ve been crawling out of it as quietly as I can for the past 3 minutes, because I’ve made plans to see a friend at the beach.
Force
I’m going to wear my shitty skirt that I’ve been meaning to wear more often because I love it, and drink apple cider with someone who cares about me.
Protect
Maybe get drunk. Out of spite.
Transend
I’ve got a new chapter. I wonder what revelation I’ll have this time.
Own
Previous Circumstances
Victoria has always felt that she didn’t know who she was and that who she was had been strongly directed by her family. She always felt a bit on the outside of life, not quit understanding it as well as not quite fitting into it. She heavily experienced bullying at school always felt like she failed in things others easily succeed in, as well as feeling separate from her family.
In light of recent revelations, Victoria’s attitude to everything and everyone has changed. She now cares a lot less about what people think and is emboldened to find the courage to discover her true self and in doing so, break some rules.
Jordan Monologue
Super Objective: To be very successful so people accept me for who I am.
Objective: To have everyone hear me
Action: To make my friends understand that I’m not going to care anymore
Obstacle: My Friends
When I was a kid, I wasn’t very good with emotions.
Trust/Float
Not that I couldn’t feel them or understand other people’s feelings. No, I wasn’t very good at expressing the correct emotions. Inform/Wring
When someone tells you something good, you get happy *happy puppet* Instruct/Press
When someone tells you something bad, you get sad *Sad puppet* Instruct/Press
When someone tells you “the house is on fire you PANIC!” *flail the puppet around* Amuse/Slash
But I had a lot of difficulties with expressing emotions, the “correct” emotions, I should say. Enlighten/Float
If someone tells me they won the lottery, I’ll say… “Cool” Engage/Glide
And I really do mean that’s amazing! Convince/Flick
I just can’t get my face or tone of voice to act the right way in time Engage/Wring
School was really hard, not a lot of kids like it when you don’t react to things the way they want you to
Instil/Float
Bullies like it even less Ensure/Press
Sometimes I feel like I have to become another person to get people to like me, that I have to act exactly like them, like an actor following a script or character playing pretend or a… *look to the puppet… shake it off* Initiate/Float
But I did manage to make a few friends and I even got to show the “real me” around them…. Rise/Float
Until, inevitably, the “real me” pissed them off and I had to “dial it down” Float which doesn’t seem fair to me
Recruit/Press
It’s not fair that I spend so much time mirroring other people that I feel like I become a copy of them, that I lose my own sense of identity to them, and then when I finally trust them enough I drop the mask and they tell me I’m not enough. Align/Wring
It’s not fair that I try so hard to be accepted and befriended and show the “correct” emotions just to be liked by other people that I don’t get to know who I am anymore.
Enrage/Wring
and then they tell me I’m not enough. Inspire/Press
It’s not enough to just be me. Emote/Glide
It’s not fair that they get to tell me that I have to change everything about myself just to belong and if I ask for even the smallest leniency I get cast out. Indoctrinate/Press
*pull down mask down* IT’S NOT FAIR! Impact/Slash
*Sit in awkward silence, puppet slowly looks at you*
“Puppet: So anyway-“ Segway/Glide
No, you know what? I don’t need this… *look at puppet* I don’t need you anymore Awe/Press
*put away the puppet*
The way I choose to express myself is the “correct” way. Even if it’s seems different to everyone else. Control/Wring
I’ve been masking for as far back as I can remember that its really hard for me to figure out what is me and the “me” everyone wants to see. Educate/Float
I can’t just snap my fingers and undo two decades worth of suppressing everything about myself. Teach/Wring
I don’t know who the person behind the mask is… Tell/Glide
But I can’t wait to meet them Excite/Glide